32. Building Connection in Your Family by Creating a Culture of Service with Michelle Cox

I loved my conversation with Michelle Cox for this episode! Michelle helps parents find joy in parenting through building connection with their children and finding confidence in themselves. She offers classes and coaching through her company 'Build Family Connection,' and I'm so grateful she was willing to come on the podcast and share so many of her good insights and ideas.

In this episode, Michelle talks about building a culture of service in your family from so many different perspectives. She shares ways parents can find joy in serving their children, ways to encourage siblings to serve and help each other, and she also shares some great stories that show how just being good examples to our family members can help create a culture of service. This conversation made me feel like I was talking to a wise and close friend that wanted to help and encourage me with all the good I'm trying to do as a mother. Give it a listen and I'm sure you might hear something that inspires you!

Links mentioned in the podcast:
Build Family Connection website
Build Family Connection Instagram
Build Family Connection Facebook
Build Family Connection Podcast

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Transcript

Melissa: You're listening to the Do Something More podcast. And this is Episode 32 with Michelle *** from Build Family Connection. Building connection in your family by creating a culture of service. Welcome to the Do Something More Podcast, a service oriented show where we highlight the helpers who inspire us all to do something more. I'm your host, Melissa Draper. Thank you so much for being here.

Melissa: Welcome to another episode of the podcast. And today it's kind of fun because I get to interview a fellow podcaster, Michelle ***. She has her own podcast, helping and giving encouragement to families. And that's what we're going to be talking about a little bit today, is service within our families. But first of all, I just want to welcome Michelle to the show.

Michelle: Hi, Melissa. I'm excited to be here today. Thank you.

Melissa: Thank you so much. Why don't you start off by just introducing yourself and telling us a little bit about what you do?

Michelle: Absolutely. So I am a mom of four and I have had the pleasure of working with families for the past 1314 years. And I got into helping families through my company called Build Family Connection, not because I was such a great mom, not because I had all the answers and did everything so right. It's because our family really struggled. And when our kids were little, we had to dive into the deep end of survival. And then I realized, I don't want to just survive. I want to like this. I want to like my people. I want to have fun along the way. And so we continued our journey in becoming the best people we could be and the best parents, which are very highly imperfect parents, and learning to build relationships through all the ups and downs of family life. So now I share quick tips on my podcast build family connections. Same thing over on Instagram. And I teach classes, I coach individual families, and I've written a couple books. So this is definitely the work of my heart, supporting families in the messy parts of life and finding progress there.

Melissa: I love that. And I think any of us who've been a parent can relate to those feelings of wanting to not just survive, but to thrive with our families. So that's great. Well, I am excited for today's conversation, using your background and expertise to talk a little bit more about creating that culture of service within our families and not just reaching out and serving others, but serving within our families, serving each other. So I'd love to just have you start off with some of your thoughts on those ideas.

Michelle: I think first and foremost, what comes to my mind is for the woman of the family, just because that's who my heart goes out to. She is often, whether she's working in or out of the home, she is carrying so much, she is juggling so many different responsibilities. And I don't think we give enough credit to ourselves for all of the service we're doing on a daily basis. And so sometimes the idea of adding service in can feel a little bit heavier than it needs to. And so the first thing that comes to my mind is, can we just give you credit for what you're already doing just by showing up and getting out of bed each day? I mean, getting up with a kid who wakes up at 515 in the morning who needs something from you, or 02:00 a.m. In the morning and you'd rather sleep. That in and of itself is an act of service and it's a true act of giving that I think we just dismiss as part of our job. So that's the first thing that comes to my mind is let's give you credit. And if you're feeling overwhelmed and feeling tired and not sure that you have room to add anything else to your plate, then, hey, let's just look at where you're at and start there, because you are already giving so much. And even as you work with your kids in your family, I think our home is a great place to teach a service mentality without ever having to leave. It not that I want you feeling stuck there, right?

Melissa: But I love both of those thoughts. And I think, too, when we take a minute to acknowledge what we're already doing, what we're already contributing, that immediately kind of frees us of all of those feelings of guilt or overwhelm or I have to and to do things from a place of what do I want to do what looks right for my family? So I love that. Absolutely.

Michelle: And I'll often tell when I work with Moms, individually, they're like but my family doesn't see that. They just see that as the things I do. So how am I teaching them to have a service mindset and a service oriented heart if that's just what they expect of me? And my answer to that is sometimes we just need to do what we're doing and then reframe it verbally. So let's say I'm just a practical example. If I'm annoyed when I walk by a bedroom three or four times a day and I go in there and I'm just like, forget it, I'm taking care of this, right? I'm just cleaning it up. And when that child or when that individual comes home or enters the room or walks by and see us, that's a moment of choice and a moment of teaching for us. And I'm not saying you're not going to be annoyed, so don't get me wrong, you could still be annoyed, you could still be bugged, you could still be frustrated. But in that moment, you can dive full force into that frustration and annoyance or you can say, you know what? This was just driving me crazy. And I figured it had to be driving you crazy too. I wanted to do this for you today. Or, okay, maybe that's a lie. Maybe you didn't want to do it, but maybe you can say, I just chose to give you the gift of a room that was getting cleaned today, and we're already doing it. So what that you're annoyed? So what? That you're frustrated when you present it or share it with your family, though you can frame it as a sort of gift or act of service, and maybe you'll think, Michelle, come on. Really? You're just telling me I'm annoyed and grumpy about it. Well, look, I've been drugged to a lot of service projects feeling grumpy and annoyed. And that doesn't mean that they didn't have an impact on me, and it doesn't mean that I didn't contribute. It just meant that maybe for part of the time, they felt grumpy and annoyed. So start grumpy and annoyed, but when you frame it, gift it to that person. You know what? I saw your backpack on the floor, and I just decided I could do something nice for you today. So I picked that backpack up and put it on the hook. And that's the most powerful teaching we have within our home, is modeling kindness and inviting service over and over and over again.

Melissa: Yeah, I love that, and I love the added element of verbalizing it for your children. So not just picking up the room and waiting for a response, but telling them, I chose to do that because I love you and I wanted to do something kind for you today, and.

Michelle: Please don't wait for a response because you know you won't get one. Nobody's coming around to tell you thank you. They're like, oh, yeah, why didn't you pick that up sooner? So I think the verbalization is key, and even for our teenagers and our spouses, it's like, hey, I chose to do this kind thing for you, or I wanted to do this kind thing for you. Maybe you can pay it forward to somebody else today I helped you out here. Maybe you could keep your eyes open and see if anybody else in our family needs a hand share in that way. So I think our words around our.

Melissa: Actions are really important and just reframing our attitude, too. Makes in the end, even though I'm grumpy when I can do that, in the end, it makes me a happier person.

Michelle: Right. At least I go to bed feeling.

Melissa: Like a rock star, right? Yeah, I love that. That is such a great and simple tip that anyone, I think, could immediately incorporate, including myself. Do you have any others? As we have this conversation of practical things that families can do to keep instilling this idea of serving and helping.

Michelle: Each other, I think one of the other areas where it can make a big difference is within our sibling relationships. Parents are always asking me, how do I get my kids to stop fighting? How do I get them to stop arguing? And part of the truthful answer to that is our homes are where they learn to navigate conflict. And so they might not stop in the way that we think, meaning they never argue, they never get on each other's nerves or whatever. But if we have kids who are struggling, I think service and inviting some Secret Service in can be really impactful and powerful. And I actually had an experience with this last week. I was working with a mom who has got a 13 year old and a 15 year old. And she said the 15 year old is actually really good at doing kind things and just it's a little bit more of an innate quality for that particular kiddo. So he will do kind things or look after his brother or just do things without being asked. His other strong suit is to really annoy his brother and his brother. And he's kind of like a silent poker, right? He kind of quietly pokes.

Melissa: Yeah, we got some of those in.

Michelle: Our yeah, we all got a silent poker here and there. And then of course, we've got the reactor. So the 13 year old happens to be the reactor and he gets poked and he reacts so big and so he wants to retaliate by not doing anything nice, then he'll pick more of a fight. And their relationship is just super strained. And so I think anytime you have a strained relationship, especially if it's heading in a downward direction versus an up and down, because there's always going to be up and down. But if it's just on more of a downhill slope, we can bring in quiet acts of service. And so the 13 year old might like if they do it together and we say, hey, we're going to do a family, we're just going to try and do nice things together as a family, or we're going to have a Halloween ghost and the ghost is going to travel around the family. And if you find the ghost on your bed, however you want to do it, then pass it along. I love that you might have one person who chooses to participate and one who doesn't. And in that instance, I would say go to the one who doesn't participate and get curious and say, okay, what is it that makes this so hard? Why is it hard to do some of these fun things? And what's tricky for you? There's no judgment. I just want to understand. See if you can learn anything there, but then take their participation out of the big family dynamic and maybe let that sit for a little bit and just say, why don't we just do an experiment? Your brother's driving you crazy. He's not being very nice. I get it. And I certainly don't want you to put up with people's poor behavior. But would it help at all if instead of talking about all the ways he's driving you crazy to just try and do one nice thing for him in the next 48 hours. And you don't even have to tell him because really, we can't change him. But can we just see if you feel any different and send them on a quiet mission and have them report back to you and there's going to be frustration in that mission because maybe it's unrequited, right? Maybe it's unrecognized, maybe the behavior doesn't change. But we can invite our kids to look and consider, how do I feel when I choose to be kind? Do I feel better about myself? Do I feel better about how I show up in the world? And that's going to slowly have an impact on that sibling relationship. And the same. You could go to that other sibling, then completely separate and have it be another big secret thing and say, hey, I know you like to do nice things, but have you tried something for your brother, just really specific? Or maybe just pay attention and see if you can notice him trying and come and tell me what you see? And I think those types of short, simple, clear conversations invite people to identify how their actions impact how they feel and look outwardly at other people and see what they might need.

Melissa: I love that idea of the personal invitation, because then you can do it what's applicable to your child. And I'll admit it made me think I've had times maybe as a grumpier mom, where I've said service is a consequence. You guys have been fighting a lot. You have to do three acts of service before you can do anything else or whatever. But I love your approach of that quiet invitation and just helping them to see and explore for themselves what the benefits or what happens when we approach things and you're inviting them to discover that for themselves. I love that.

Michelle: Well, let's be real too, because I don't have a problem with saying we always get to choose how we deliver it, right? But saying, hey, you guys created a big problem here. How can you make it right? How can you pay it back? How can you help turn the tide of the energy? And those might be through acts of service. So does acts of service become a consequence there? Sure. And that's not the worst thing that will ever happen to them, right? I use that as well. And I think there will be days where we deliver it with a loving heart and there will be days where we're like service. Leave me alone and get out of my way. Like, that's just real life, right? By the way, it's ten for me and two for her, whatever. And I think that's just real life. But what I've seen in particular, my kids are now my youngest is 18 and my oldest is almost 25. As I've watched who they have become as adults, their desire to look out for others has grown. And so if you don't see it in your kids young, remember that it's a practice and it's also a skill and a muscle that we develop. So if you've got a grumpy kid one day and somebody who doesn't want to participate the next time you try something or somebody who is really resistant again, our words can be a powerful teaching tool. For example, if you are driving on the side of the road, I have these big boys who think it's okay to pick up hitchhikers. Y'all, this mama does not think that's okay. Not one part of me thinks that okay, and I would never do that for myself, and I'm never going to cheer them along. Like, whatever. I have all kinds of issues with it. Judge me, love me, whatever. But what I can do is I can take notice in my everyday life. So if I'm driving along and I see somebody on the side of the road, I might say, do you know what? I can't pick that person up, but I can send love and light their way. I can send a prayer to heaven their way. And just that verbal while I'm going about, my everyday invites an awareness for people around us. When you're walking through Target and you see somebody who looks sad or looks off, comment, maybe just say hello to them and say, hi, it looks like you might use a smile today. I'm sending you some love. And your kids might they're going to be mortified, like, they're going to want to crawl into the cart, under the cart, run away. Just say, I just wanted you to know I see you and I hope your day goes better, or say, did you see that person over there? What do you think they needed? Is there anything we could do while we're here at Target that would help them? And it might not be the homeless person. It might not be the person who looks real down on their luck. It might just be a mom who has her hands full or somebody who's walking around and looking a little lost in their day. And this happened to us recently. We were fortunate enough to go to the Taylor Swift concert, and so we were all in party mode, right? Like, we had costumes, and I've got three boys and a girl. So my boys were they'd all bought in and have been fans at one point or another, and we were just kind of in our own little world with everybody else that was there excited for the concert. And as we came up like the 100th escalator to get to our nosebleed seats, we got off the escalator and a woman caught my eye because off to the left in the corner, everybody was getting off the escalator and going to the right to the seats. But off to the left, there was a woman sitting in the corner with her head down and it just looked out of place, that's all. And those are the moments, if you can. I was in a place, I didn't have any little people to worry about. We were surrounded by people and I had time. Those are fabulous teaching moments that are just in my lane. And so I walked over, I saw her and I just walked over to her and I just knelt down and my family kept walking. They didn't even realize, for whatever reason, I didn't even say, hey, wait up. I just beelined to her and I ended up sitting on the floor with her for a few minutes. And she had just found out a member of her family had passed and so she was in this huge celebratory mode. But then had all of that dashing news come down on her heart? There was nothing I could do, but I could sit with her and I could see her and just have her know she wasn't alone. I spent less than 5 minutes with her just sitting on the floor. And what was happening while I was doing that? Fortunately, my family wondered where I was. Can't say that's always going to be the case. But they came back and they just waited for me and they watched and they just waited and nobody asked any questions until I was done. And then we just went on with our day. And then I was able to share that type of talking out loud or living in the moment, responding in the moments that are there for you. Maybe it's grabbing a gatorade and handing it to a construction worker who's working on your street. Your kids see those over and over and over again. And it's not a lecture. We have to go be these dynamically, service oriented people. It's just in an everyday way, I'm going to choose to see the people around me and acknowledge that they exist. And as I've watched my kids grow, I have seen them do that more and more and more on their own. And sometimes they are now the ones pulling me along and they're the ones who have the courageous heart while I have the scared heart. And I love it because now they're leading me into places where maybe I couldn't have gone before. Don't diminish the power of you showing up as a kind, observant human, as a teaching tool in your family.

Melissa: Yeah, I love that and I love how you shared. You went back and shared with them. And I've had experiences like that with my family where maybe they weren't necessarily always there, but you come back and say, hey, I had a really neat experience today and I wanted to share it with all of you. And then it always surprises me how sometimes you'll hear, like you said, those little experiences your kids have had that they hadn't shared with you but that prompt you sharing prompts them to share and it can be a beautiful thing within families so I love that.

Michelle: I love that too to see how your share invites them to just be aware and share with you, I think that's really cool.

Melissa: Yeah, that's great. Well, I know we are coming up at the end of the year here and into the holidays and I loved your little Halloween ghost example that you gave. That is such a cute idea. Do you have any other simple ideas like that that maybe families could use and incorporate if they're wanting to use this time during the holidays as we're doing fun things together and incorporating traditions, simple things they could do to incorporate those ideas or serving within the family?

Michelle: Well, first of all, any holiday has an emblem, right? Back to school has an apple. Valentine's Day has a heart. So any stuffed animal, any object emblem can be used as a Secret Service traveling ghost, right? Like in the Halloween example where if you receive that emblem on your bed or find it in your shoes then it's your chance to play it forward. So I'd say just have fun with the holidays or the events that you're already celebrating. Heading into the holidays there are a couple of just really traditional things that we vary up a little bit but have become really meaningful to our family and that is if we'll do Salvation Army Christmas tree angels and it allows the kids to connect with the people but sometimes it's so hard to connect with the individual. I love to use the holidays because they're already so busy not just to fill my time with an activity that's service related but with a person that we can serve. And so I think one of our favorites has been we decided on not huge amount of money, just whatever worked for our family. And this was when my kids were a little bit older, so they were teenagers and this was playing off a little bit of some things we'd seen on YouTube and whatever. And we put money in an envelope and then we just went down to Walmart together and we did not have anything on our list to take care of our whole purpose that evening and it was really quick. We broke up into teams was to find somebody that we could share our envelope with. So we have six people in our family, so we had three envelopes with money in them, and it could be anybody. But we were to walk around first, observe people and pay attention to how we felt, and then choose and say, we have a gift for you. There's no strings attached. We just wanted to share this with you. Hand it over to them and walk away. We practiced what we could say to that person. We gave our kids some ideas of how they might handle it and it was beautiful. It was really fun. We've done it a couple of times and we've had people act indifferent. We've had people be embarrassed and say no. We have had are my kids practically chasing people down because they wanted to give it to them, but they were too nervous to approach them and so they're like following them around the store. And then we have had some true, genuine miracles where my kids were then chased down in the store and I saw the person chasing my kids down. I was like, oh, no, how's this going to end? But it ended with a woman grabbing my kids, asking for permission to embrace them, and sharing her story of how she had been offering a prayer to the heavens for help and she didn't know how she was going to check out with her groceries. And this made the difference for her. And so we've had abysmal failure and we've had the miracle and everything in between. We've done it with just different amounts of money every time. But my kids have really appreciated looking into the eyes of the individual who is receiving the gift because it helps them see them as a human being, not just a piece of paper. Another favorite is we have gotten McDonald's gift cards and we literally hit the streets. And we know, most of us know in our towns where there's a little bit more of a needy population and we will hit the streets and just go hand out McDonald's gift cards or go to the McDonald's drive through and hand them out. And again, it has meant a lot to my kids to see the eyeballs of the person who is receiving, because when they look into their eyes, they also feel the gratitude. And we are always shocked at how gracious and kind the receiver is. Not always. Like I said, we've been yelled at, we've been mistaken people and they've been highly offended and we've had a lot. But what I've seen is my kids develop the ability to slow down, have a conversation with someone who is incredibly different from them and see their worth as a human, even if it just means sharing a conversation. And so I think when you can create opportunities to have a human contact, however small that is, go for it. Doesn't have to be a big organization. Just go for it.

Melissa: Yeah, I love both of those stories, and I think you could change or suit that to fit your family's needs. But I also love how you share. That is real life service. There are so many different ways that it turns out. But it's still good that we took the opportunity to do good because we never know how it can benefit someone or what it really means to yeah, that's great. Well, I love Michelle. This has been a great conversation. As a mother myself, who's in the trenches with teenagers and younger kids, I just kept feeling you are the kind of mom I want to go find and sit next to and ask my questions and hear your I. But I love the things that you've shared here today. Anything else as we finish up the show that you wanted to share or encouragement that you wanted to give?

Michelle: I think I would say to everyone, you are doing so much better than you think you are. Give yourself a big hug, sit and relish in your own squishy love and know that you're doing so much better than you think you are. And you are making a difference when no one is telling you. Thank you. So hold on to that truth. It's not just Pollyanna happiness, it is true.

Melissa: Well, thank you so much. That was a good reminder. Like you said, that we can have faith that we are doing good with those good actions and things we feel inspired to do.

Michelle: And you're doing good when everybody is mad at you because you want to go do service. Does that count? Just you're doing good even when everybody hates you for your idea. Just go for it. Just go for it.

Melissa: Yep. Just move forward and realize it will be good so well. Thank you so much, Michelle, for being on the show today.

Michelle: Thank you for having me.

Melissa: That concludes my interview with Michelle *** from Build Family Connection, and I just loved all of the ideas and perspective that she shared as a mother myself.

Melissa: I felt like I just got a.

Melissa: Big hug and lots of encouragement after listening to her interview, so I hope you felt some of those things as well. And throughout that interview, I realized that a lot of those tips and ideas were given from the perspective of a mother of a family. But as I thought about them, I thought really, any of them could be applicable to anyone wanting to build connection in your own family with a culture of service. And she shared it from lots of different perspectives. She shared ideas for ourselves of looking at the way we perceive things or even giving ourselves that gentle attitude adjustment in the ways that we serve our family and encourage service within our family. I love the ideas she shared of fostering an idea of service between siblings and that idea of helping siblings give and be kind to each other. And I love those stories she shared near the end. She had some great stories about ways that we can just gently be examples and encouraging reminders to our family of how to serve, how to be aware of those around us and want to give and help those that are around us. So, lots of good ideas in that episode. Michelle has so many good things to share. If you want to learn more about her or get in contact with her for some of the classes and other things she shares, her website is buildfamilyconnection.com or you. Can find her on Instagram at buildfamily connection. And she also does a podcast as well, with the same name, Build Family Connection. So I will include links to all of those in the show notes if you're wanting to learn more about Michelle and the good things that she does. So thank you so much for being here. I'll see you next time.