36. Remembering that Service to Your Family is Important Service with Catherine Cheshire

This week for the podcast I am featuring my sister, Catherine Cheshire. Catherine is the mother of 8 children and has so much wisdom to share on serving your family and finding meaning, purpose, and joy in that service. She sprinkled so many good nuggets of wisdom throughout this whole interview. Catherine shared her thoughts on why remembering that service to your family is important, ways you can find joy in that service, and also simple ideas you can use to build a culture of service and gratitude in your own family. 

I thought this was a great topic to share the week of Thanksgiving here in the U.S., when many of us will be spending lots of time with our families. Give the podcast a listen and I’m sure you will hear something that will encourage and inspire you.

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Transcript

Melissa: You're listening to the Do Something More podcast. And this is Episode 36 with Catherine Cheshire. Remembering that service to your family is important. Service. Welcome to the Do Something More Podcast, a service oriented show where we highlight the helpers who inspire us all to do something more. I'm your host, Melissa Draper. Thank you so much for being here. Welcome to another episode of the podcast. And today I know I say this a lot, that I'm super excited today. I'm especially excited because I asked one of my sisters, my sister that's closest to me, to come on and do an episode. And we usually have three hour phone conversations, but today we just get to have one awesome podcast conversation. So today on the show with me is my sister, Catherine Cheshire. Catherine, welcome to the show.

Catherine: Thank you for having me.

Melissa: All right, well, I asked Catherine to come do a show with me because I want to talk about this concept more, of remembering that the service we do for our families is service. And Catherine, she's the mother of eight children, so she's someone I especially look up to for that. But before we go into that, Catherine, why don't you just start off by introducing yourself?

Catherine: Well, I'm 42 years old. I love running. I like to read. I love to play the piano. And like you said, I'm the mom to eight kids, six girls and two boys. And I really love being a mom to a big family. It gets really crazy sometimes, but there's always something to do. There's always somebody to talk to. And so I've actually really loved that. And I've been married 22 years to my wonderful husband Shane, and it's been kind of a crazy, fun ride.

Melissa: Yeah, that's awesome. I think anyone that knows us can tell we're sisters because those are the three things I say. I love running, playing the piano, and reading. There's a similarity there. And I think we should also mention your last two kids are twins. So you're also a twin mom. They are.

Catherine: And I was kind of scared when I learned I was having twins because the newborn stage is a little hard for me. It's a lot to navigate with, taking care of other kiddos and a little newborn, but it actually ended up being so much fun. I was really surprised how much so many fun memories from being a twin mom.

Melissa: Yeah, they're cute little five year olds now. Yeah, still lots of fun. Well, I just want to delve right into this idea. We talk so many times on this podcast about serving and giving to others, and I know sometimes for women, that can feel overwhelming. And so I just love the idea of talking about this tender reminder that many times you need to remember the service and the things you do for your family are service, and they do matter. So I would just love to just start off with your thoughts on that idea that service to your family is service.

Catherine: Yeah. I love that you asked this question because it gave me time to think about it. And it's so funny. I don't know what happens because I remember growing up and going to church or things like that, and we talked about serving or being kind, and the very first thing we'd always talk about is how you could do that for your family. And then something happens when we become moms that we suddenly go, oh, well, that doesn't count. I know there's been many times where it's like people are talking about service and I have a lot of friends and I'm in a church community and things like that, where that's kind of just part of what we do. And nobody ever talks about ways they've served their family. It's how they've been on the PTA or how they've taken a dinner to a neighbor. It's just weird. We don't count it for some weird reason. We think we have to do something outside of our home to count service. And I've realized, especially being a mom of eight, there are times and seasons in my life where there's not a lot I can do outside of my home. And serving your family absolutely counts, I think, in one of the most beneficial ways. Because if your family unit is good and happy and healthy, that has a ripple effect to the world. When you send your kids off to school feeling good about who they are, then they have more room for kindness for others. And it just has this ripple effect that starts in the home and starts with how you love on and nurture those right there in that space. So another thing it made me think of is kind of in a funny way, is it actually builds a lot of genuineness and trust within your family when they get some of the best parts of you. Because I think if we're running, running to run serve others and families feeling neglected or unseen or kind of pushed to the side, you actually lose some trust or some genuineness with your kids. I don't know if that makes sense.

Melissa: Right.

Catherine: Oh, mom will go do that for them, but I'm not feeling that here at home. And so, again, I just think that has a huge effect on your relationship with your kids and with your spouse, that they get bits of those service parts of you, too, that that's just not given to others. But it's given to them as well so that they see mom in all of her different capacities and know that they get some of those best parts of mom as well.

Melissa: I love that that's a great concept and it is a balancing act, right. Do want to contribute in different ways or we do feel inspired to do different things in our communities or in different ways. But I love that idea that your family wants all of that too, and.

Catherine: Deserves all of that too.

Melissa: Yeah, that's great. So I would just love to hear, in your experience, as you've been a mother now for a couple of decades, what are ways or experiences that you've had that have helped you keep that concept in mind of giving to your family? Because I know sometimes it can be tricky, and sometimes we can feel resentful or we can feel things are unnoticed. So how are you able to kind of re go back and to keep that idea in your head of giving of yourself to your family and of seeing the joy and the purpose behind it?

Catherine: Yeah, that's another really good question. One of the things I thought about was kind of I mentioned it earlier, remembering what season you're in. First of all, there are times and seasons for things, and there are times where you'll be able to do more service outside of the home, and then there will be times where everything will be focused on home. And that's okay. Like when I had really young kiddos and babies, you're tired, you're up nursing babies at night, and you're taking care of littles. That is service. And I think it was actually through a conversation I had with you, not to put the focus on you, but I actually remember a conversation we had at one time, and I used words like, well, I have to do this and I have to do that. And you were like, well, no, you don't have to do anything. You get to choose to do that. And realizing that getting up to take care of littles at night. I've just had four sick kids in our house, so I missed a lot of nights of good sleep because I was up over and over taking care of sick kiddos or reading to your kids or fixing them a meal or none of those are really have to do. You're choosing to do that. Why? Because you love your family. And even if you're doing it out of a sense of duty, not everyone does that. And so acknowledging your choice to serve, I don't know why, but there's just a lot of power in that. There's a lot of power in recognizing, oh, I'm choosing to get up and take care of this little one. Why? Because I love them, because I want to serve them. Because I want to make sure they feel seen and valued. And I just think when you realize that you are choosing those things, it empowers your choice, and it empowers you to understand this is service. This is helping me progress in the person I want to be in being. I think a lot of reasons we do service is because we want to help our fellow man, or we want to bind the good parts of us, or we want to use our talents to help. And you don't have to go outside of your family to do that. So part of that is just acknowledging the choice. And then I was saying about your talents, I was talking to a friend and she was lamenting about she loves to go rock climbing and she has kiddos now and can't do that. Well, they've gotten a little older and she was talking about that, and I said, well, then go take your kids rock climbing. It just turned a little light on her brain. On in her brain for that. It was like, oh, I can share that with them. I enjoy playing the piano, and I teach my kids how to play piano, and sometimes that can feel really frustrating, but I realize that's a service. I'm doing them to enrich their life, and it enriches mine as well. There's lots of things I've learned by teaching my children piano, and so I think just acknowledging that some of those things we're searching for by serving outside of our family, you can actually get by serving within your family. But I think a big first step is acknowledging that all those things you're doing to bless and enrich their lives, you don't have to do. You're choosing to do it out of love, out of wanting to serve. And I just think when you acknowledge that, you empower yourself to see it. And I don't know, for me, it changed my perspective, and it made me feel less grumbly and made me be like, oh, yeah, I can feel fulfilled.

Melissa: Yeah, I love that idea, and it must be something I love to share, because I say that to my teenagers now all the time.

Catherine: They're telling me they have to it was really good advice.

Melissa: They have to do something. I'm like, oh, you get to do it, or you chose to do this. And it is it's so empowering when we realize that we really do get to choose where we want to focus our energy and time and the good that we're doing. So that's great. Any other ideas that you want to share for how you've been able to find meaning and purpose or joy in serving your family?

Catherine: Well, kind of back to I mentioned earlier with this friend who loves rock climbing. Find the things you love and then share that with your children. So actually, when I was younger, for the longest time, I really, really wanted to be a nurse. I don't know, there's something about learning about the human body that I find super fascinating. But also, I just think one of my, I guess, gifts you could say was, I really do love to nurture people. I love taking care of them. I feel like I remember when family members were sick. Like I didn't mind being the runner to go and get them their juice or go and I don't know. I liked making sure people were taken care of, and I just thought, oh, nursing would be such a great fit for me. And for a long, long time. I ended up getting married young and had my first daughter just a year after we were married because I was married at 20, so I didn't get to pursue that dream. And for a long, long time, honestly, even just recently, there was a part of me that was like, oh, I really wanted to do that. I really missed out on doing that. And what I've realized is I've gotten to actually do the things that I would have found fulfilling about that job all along. And it's just been within the last few years that I've really kind of tuned into that. So I'm a nurturer by nature, and I've been able to use that with my children to just take care of them and see their little personalities and the differences in their personalities and see their growth and be excited about what kind of talents they have and how I could nurture their talents. And it's been super fulfilling. Or like I said, I love to play the piano, and I've been able to teach them piano, or one of my all time favorite things to do, actually, is to snuggle my kids and do read aloud with them reading. And so I get to be a mom and serve them in the way that I enjoy, in what makes me unique and what I enjoy, and I'm able to pass that down to them. And so I think a big way to find fulfillment in serving your family is to not look at it like, oh, I have to set aside this thing that I enjoy so that I can take care of and serve my family. No, look at it and go, okay, what do I do that I enjoy? And I can use that to serve my family. I know some women who are super organized or like, they love to throw parties, and so they've thrown really cute, really fun parties for their kids. That's not my forte.

Melissa: Me neither.

Catherine: I do parties, and I'm happy to do that for my kids because I know it makes them happy, but it's not particularly something I love to do, but other women do. Or there's times where I've served in church callings or some service things you can't do with your kids. But before I think too often, I was like, oh, well, I'm going to go do this service thing, and I need to find a babysitter for them. Well, is it possible? Are they old enough? Is there a way you can help have them do it with you?

Melissa: Right.

Catherine: So more than once, I've had a little in the car with me when I've gone to drop off a gift to someone or a dinner. And so it becomes something I get to do with them, not apart from them. Or I've had my girls once they got older. I have a daughter who loves to bake and so if I tell her, hey, can you help me? We have this funeral. We agreed to bring some fruit food to. Could you bake that cake for me? I don't have to do it separate and apart from it can be a part of it all. Is that making sense?

Melissa: Yeah. I love that.

Catherine: Finding ways that you feel fulfilled and saying, okay, how can I use that to serve my kids?

Melissa: Right?

Catherine: Husband.

Melissa: Yeah. And I love that first idea of taking the things you enjoy and serving your family with those things. I've tried to do that myself. One thing I love exploring new places. And that doesn't always mean we have to travel or have a ton of money just checking out a new spot. I've schlept my kids all over different places, and I love doing that, even when they were super little, to go discover and find new things or meet new people. And it's fun to do that and to let them see that side of you, too. Yeah.

Catherine: I just think sometimes which understandably so I think especially if you've got little littles. I think so often we just are like, oh, I have to set aside that part of me. No, how can I incorporate that into momhood?

Melissa: Right? Yeah. And that is very much a way to mother and serve your family well.

Catherine: And I talk about nurturing, but there's lots of ways to quote, unquote, nurture. I work at a preschool, and I've interacted a little bit with some of the moms there. It's really cute to see different family dynamics. There's a mom there. She had an active little boy, so sometimes he had hard time sitting still in preschool. But I got to interact with her and see that's how their family bonded. That's how she served her family, is they were active together. They'd hike together and mountain bike together and swim together, and they were very adventurous. I think that'd be my biggest tip. Look at what your talents are and what you enjoy and say, how can I use that to serve my family?

Melissa: There's no one that's better or less than they're all and awesome to see.

Catherine: Yes. Just unique. And it'll be what makes your family unique and what makes your family bond.

Melissa: And then I love that second idea you shared of if there are times you are wanting to serve outside the home or you are feeling that pull to engage in different things, that you don't have to do that on your own. You can definitely make it a family affair and bring your family into that service that you're wanting to do.

Catherine: And that took me a little bit to learn. And so if I could go back to my younger self, I would also tell her that it's like, stop looking at it like you have to have these two separate things that you're doing. Is there a way you can do it together, right?

Melissa: Yeah. So many ways that you can bring it together. Yeah, well, any other specific ideas or fun things you've done that you want to share on ways that you've brought in that idea of serving your family?

Catherine: So this is something I personally need to get better at, but I think we often think about serving our children. I don't know that we always think about serving our spouse.

Melissa: Yeah.

Catherine: So that's another way to serve within your family. And it's funny because I think when you're dating and things like that, as couples, you're quote, unquote, serving each other all the time, right? Because, oh, it's so exciting. I'm going to write him this cute little note or, oh, look, it's his favorite treat. I'm going to buy it for him and oh, that'll be so fun and cute. And then we get married and we kind of stop doing that. And that's a way of service. And it starts at the very top, I think, when your kids see you and your spouse serving each other without grumbling and having fun with it, and it has a trickle down effect on the whole family. One thing I've really appreciated about my husband. And I guess this kind of goes back to the earlier question of how one of the ways I guess I stayed not burnt out right as you try to serve is have a conversation with your spouse on what it means for them to come home and recognize the service you're doing. They're the only one that's going to see what you're doing. And when you have little, littles they don't always understand and appreciate. And so them coming home and being like, oh, honey, that's so fantastic that you took the kids to the park today means a lot. But then making sure you're reciprocating that, too, like noticing the things your spouse does and being truly appreciative of that. I think one big thing I learned as I was thinking about this is that gratitude and service, especially in a family, I think go hand in hand as you can teach your kids or model for your kids, gratitude for the things people do for you. I think then they model that, and then it makes people want to serve them more because they're appreciative, and then it helps a ton. So something my husband was always really good at is he was always so good at complimenting me and thanking me for the food I prepared. And it's been so cute because my kids model that now, too. They do that, too. Like, Matthew my like, I made dinner the other day and he was like, Mommy, thank you for making dinner. It's because they hear their dad do it. That's one thing he's always been really good about. We need to work maybe on appreciation for laundry a little bit. I think there's a magical fairy with laundry in their closets, so that might be one. Maybe I'll feel less grumpy about laundry. If I get people being like, wow, mom, thank you, my clothes. But when people show appreciation, oh, my goodness, then it feels so worth it to do that thing. Or I've had a daughter go down to college that has helped a lot, because now she understands that preparing meals, she's like, mom, preparing meals isn't just about making food. You have to plan what you're eating, and then you have to go shop for what you're eating, and then you have to do the prep work for what you're eating, and then you finally get to sit down and eat a meal. And I'm like, yeah, so cute. Because when she's home now, more often, if I needed her to run and grab something from the store, it was like, oh, yeah, sure. You bet, I got it. Or oh, hey, mom. You're fixing dinner? Let me come help you. So appreciation, developing a culture of gratitude and appreciation in your home, I think, feeds right into the service stuff, and that helps you as a mom, want to keep going. When people express genuine appreciation, then you're like, oh, okay, yeah, let's go do that again, right?

Melissa: Yeah, I love how you say gratitude and service go hand in hand, because they really do. Yeah, we all need some validation for the we're doing every once in a while. That's a natural human need. And I love that idea of serving your spouse as well. And it doesn't have to be big things. It can be super simple. But taking a moment to acknowledge and to serve them, that's great.

Catherine: Just even little things of going back to what you would have done when you were dating, like noticing a treat they love and bringing it home. Or if they're in bed already and they need a drink of water, you go and get the drink of water. I think there's just lots of little things you can do, and it changes the atmosphere of your home to be one of service when you see that happening around you, right? There's times where my kids are like, hey, can you get that for me? And to a sibling and sibling is like, you have legs, get it yourself. But ultimately I think they hopefully see that little things like that or even another big one for me is more than once I've had kids in the morning be in a bit of a panic because they suddenly realize they didn't get their homework put in their backpack the night before and they're running around crazy. Or we're trying to have breakfast. And I used to get angry, right, and be like, oh, my gosh, can't you get all this ready the night before? Which they already know. They're already in a panic. I've actually learned to say, how can I help? How can I help? What do you need? How can I help? And so then they're like, okay, mom, can you grab my computer from downstairs and put it in my bag. And so I just get them out the door, and most of the time they already know they don't need me to remind them that they should have prepared for that better or done that better.

Melissa: Right.

Catherine: But again, what's cool is that there's now been times where I'm trying to get out the door for something or they see my stress and guess what my older kids have done a couple of times. It's so amazing when it happens because you're like and it's only happened probably with my oldest oldest. So it takes a little bit, it takes a while. But I've heard them say, mom, how can I help?

Melissa: That's sweet.

Catherine: I love that.

Melissa: That's a simple question. That in itself is such an easy tip. Any family could implement is learning how to say, how can I help?

Catherine: Or get freaking out.

Melissa: Or all the things we want to say.

Catherine: Right. Or even little things like responding positively, like with the smile. Like if your kid needs they can't get their jacket zipped up and they ask me all, can you help me zip up my jacket? I'd be happy to. I think even responding instead of just yeah. Or having you learn to do it, I'd be happy to. And that's another one I've now heard my kids echo. Oh, I'd be happy to do that. And it's just amazing. A couple of phrases like that. Just again, I think it creates an environment of helpers and servers.

Melissa: Yeah, that's great. I love those are maybe the ones I'll take from this episode to implement so many good things that we've shared here today. Thanks so much, Catherine, for being willing to come on and share some of your motherhood experiences.

Catherine: Yeah.

Melissa: Is there any final advice or encouragement that you want to give to someone who is a parent or caregiver that might be feeling overwhelmed or they need that gentle reminder that the good they are doing is valuable and much needed? What kind of final encouragement would you give?

Catherine: Another quick thought is I don't know if you've ever heard of the Love Language book. Yes, that's another one. Is if you're having a child or a spouse feeling like they're not feeling seen or valued or heard, sometimes tuning into what their love language is and serving them in that love language. So, like, I have a daughter whose gifts and she was up here from college, and I actually got her a little gift that I gave her. It was really small. It was only like $3, but that I gifted her. Or I have another daughter who's a snuggler. I actually am not by nature a snuggler. It's just not I'm ready to get up and go and do other things. But I have a daughter who loves to snuggle. So serving her by snuggling her or let's see, so there's gifts, there's physical touch. Service is in and of itself a love language.

Melissa: Yes, that is my husband's. His is acts of service.

Catherine: So just learning how to be a helper. I think I have a son who that might because I call him my helper boy, and I think that's his love language or writing a note. I have a daughter whose words of affirmation, so she loves getting notes from me. Another one is time. I'm a time person, so that one comes a little easier to me wanting to spend time with my children, but learning to serve them in a way that they understand or that the way they can receive that love, that's been another big one. That's helpful, but that's great. Serving and being gentle to yourself, I think would be my last thought for those who are struggling. I think a big one is, do you talk to yourself in your head the way you would talk to others? And I know for me, usually that's a big no. I'm really hard on myself in my head. And so actually, in a weird way, turning this around and being like, okay, how can you serve you a little bit? How can you be gentler on yourself? I think most of the time we're doing better than we think. So taking the time to look around and see, what are you doing to serve and love your family and remembering there's a season that if your focus is on just serving your family at this time, that is enough. That's enough, right? Learning to talk kindly and be kind to yourself. And again, I think that has a ripple effect when I'm kinder to myself, I do find that I think I'm kinder to my family because I don't have this expectation for them to come in and fix or make up for where I'm being hard on myself, if that makes any sense.

Melissa: Right?

Catherine: So, yeah, that's probably my final thought. Acknowledge the good you're doing and be your first cheerleader to say you're doing a good job.

Melissa: That's a good final thought to go on. And it's so true that oftentimes we just need to be kind to ourselves and see the good that we are. So well, thank you so much, Catherine, for being willing to come on my podcast today and share some of your wisdom and experiences.

Catherine: Thanks for having me.

Melissa: That was my interview with my sister Catherine, and our voices do sound a little similar, so maybe that was kind of an interesting experience to hear the two of us talking with each other recorded. But I love that opportunity to interview her. As I said at the beginning, I very much look up to my sister, to Catherine. She's got so many words of wisdom to share and lots of good experiences raising her family of eight children and all the service and love that she shows to them and to those around her as well. So I hope that you enjoyed hearing some of those good. Little nuggets of wisdom that were sprinkled all throughout that interview. I loved how she began sharing that our families deserve to get the best parts of us and that is one of the reasons why we should count service to our family as service as they deserve, to see all those good, happy parts of us that are serving and helping and being around them. And then as we went through that interview, she shared lots of different messages and ideas and experiences. I loved there near the end the thoughts on gratitude, how gratitude and service in a family go hand in hand and it really starts there in showing that appreciation for each other and the good things that we're trying to do for each other. And I also loved what she shared about remembering that service to your spouse is also service and it can be so simple, it can be acknowledging the little comforts and things that mean something to them or simply just expressing appreciation for the good things that they're doing for you or other members of the family. And those questions that she said at the end, those ways of responding instead of getting all grumpy with children when some of those situations arrive, just saying how can I help? How can I help? And how she's seen her children take on that same phrase and that same attitude. So lots of good things in that interview. As I listened again to that interview to edit this episode, I thought of a quote that I have hanging up in my front room and it's attributed to Mother Teresa. And I've tried to find that exact attribution. There's different versions of this quote, but basically it says, if you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family. And like I said, whether that's truly attributed to her or not, I still love that quote and that idea. And I think that was the overarching theme from this interview with Catherine, is that the service that we do within our family has a trickle down effect, whether it's serving our spouse and that trickling down to our children. Or serving our children. And that trickling down to the kindness that they put out into the world and to the things that they do for others or whether that's just showing gratitude to each other. And that trickling throughout. The family, or whatever it might be that was the overarching theme of this interview for me is that serving our family has a great trickle down effect, and it really can have an impact for good, not only on the members of our family we're directly serving, but the kindness and the goodness that we all spread out into the world. So I was really grateful she came on. I wanted to do that subject, especially with the holidays coming up. I know many times we can feel stressed as family members or mothers or fathers trying to create a magical feeling or all the things that are on our calendar and plate and the emphasis on doing good. And while we can do those things and they're wonderful things to do, I think it's important to remember that the good we're doing for our family matters, and it makes a difference. If you want to show the podcast a little love, you can share this episode with a friend or a family member, since that's what we've been talking about serving our families. Or go ahead and leave a review on Apple podcasts. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you next time.