Melissa: You're listening to the do something more podcast, and this is episode number 46, three ways you can use service to improve your relationship with your spouse. Our welcome to the do something more podcast, us, a service oriented show where we highlight the helpers who inspire us all to do something more. I'm your host, Melissa Draper. Thank you so much for being here. Hello. Welcome to another episode of the podcast. And today it's just going to be me talking about these ways that you can use service to improve your relationship with your spouse. So this episode is dropping the day before Valentine's Day here in the United States. So I thought it'd be fun to have an episode that includes service when it comes to our spouses or our significant others or really anyone that we have a relationship with that means a lot to us. So going to share a few of my thoughts on that topic before we get started, I just want to leave a friendly reminder that if you want to show the podcast some love, there are lots of different ways that you can do that. If you've been listening to this podcast, enjoying the content, I would love to have you give us a little feedback through reviews on Apple Podcast. Or you can also share an episode that you enjoyed with a friend or someone you think would benefit from that information from that episode. Or you can follow the podcast on social media. So the podcast is on Instagram at Dosomethingmore podcast, and you can find it on Facebook at the do something more podcast. And I always leave links to all of those in the show notes to make it easy to find. Show the podcast some love. Choose one of those things. It'd be great. And it just helps as I'm continuing to grow this podcast and find others that would be interested in listening to this kind of content. Let's get into our episode subject today. This was kind of fun for me to do to put these ideas together. And of course, as I came up with different stories, I went and told my husband, hey, I'm going to be sharing some of these stories about us and our relationship. And he was okay with that. So they're all pretty good stories. I think one of them, he couldn't even remember because it was back when we were younger and newlyweds closer at that time. But here's some ideas. So I have three different ideas of ways that you can use service to improve your relationship with your spouse. Because service really, at its core, is an act of love, either for a stranger, for a neighbor, or for a close family member or friend. So number one, I thought I would be remiss to be talking about this subject and not mention the five love languages. So this is a book that you can buy. It's by Gary Chapman. And basically, if you've never heard of it, I think a lot of people have. But if you never have, it basically covers the idea that everyone has love spoken to them or they see love in different ways. And so that it's important to learn what way your spouse feels or has love communicated to them. And in the book, he covers five different ways. One of the ways is actually acts of service, but I think using all of them can be an act of service for your spouse. So the five different areas are acts of service, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time. So if you're wondering which one you are or which one your spouse is, you can find simple little tests to do. I'll leave a link to that. The five love languages has a website where they cover all of this. You can also go and get the book, read the entire book. It's a great book. I've read it and it has that information in there as well. And so that is my first tip, is to find out what your spouse's love language is, and then just write down simple ways that you can use that love language to perform service or show love to them. So just as an example, my love language is words of affirmation. And I think for most people that know me, or for a lot of people that host a podcast like I do, that wouldn't be a big surprise. I am a woman of words. And so just as one example, I remember one time for my birthday when my kids were a little smaller than they are now, my husband went and bought some little colorful postit notes, and he went and explained this to the kids that your mom loves getting kind words and notes and things like that. And so he just had them write little notes of things they loved about me or just little things on these postit notes. And then sometime during that day, I was gone and they went and stuck them all over the house. And so I came back and discovered all these little postit notes written by my husband and my kids. And as a words of affirmation person, I just loved that gift. I have remembered that it made me feel so loved by my family, and it was really simple and super cheap for them to do. So that's another thing I want to emphasize, is these areas, these acts of service in the five love languages, they do not have to be huge. They can be simple but that simple little act of service and how he recruited all of our kids to help him do it just made me feel so loved. So that's one example. And then also as a words of affirmation person, many times the act of service for my husband is to just sit and be a listening ear while I gab to him or I talk to him about something, or I explain my thoughts and feelings about something he's just so good at sometimes sitting there and listening. And so those are just a couple of examples for my love language. So that's my first encouragement or idea for you. Find out your spouse's love language if you don't know what it is, and then take that an extra step and write down simple things you can do for them. That would be simple acts of service. So my husband's love language is actually acts of service. And again, they don't have to be huge. It can be something as simple as when I happen to be using the car that he usually drives and takes care of and I notice it's empty, I fill it up for him. Right? Something as simple as that can be an act of service. That means something. I know. Receiving gifts, sometimes people think, oh, I don't have money. I don't want to keep buying gifts. I have one of my children. Their love language is receiving gifts. And it can be as simple as seeing something on my walk. Because this child loves nature and animals, too, and taking a picture of it, or even picking up a cool leaf or stick and bringing it home and showing it to them and saying, this made me think of you. So super simple things like that for your spouse, you can do. And as you write down those ideas and try and do them, more of them will come. And then just try to integrate them into your daily life. The five love languages are a great way to use service to improve your relationship with your spouse. My second idea is to think of doing small acts of service for your spouse when you are feeling maybe even angry or upset or when there's a little tension going on. So I need to clarify first, I'm not talking about if there are big underlying problems in your relationship or your marriage. I am not saying, just do service and that will fix it. That is not what I'm saying at all. If there needs to be more communication or if there's some underlying things that you need to fix, or even go to a therapist to help you work out together, there's lots of different ways that you can do that, but this is for just the everyday to day life that I'm talking about, those times when we just don't always agree or we get upset or there's some tension there to use service to help you in those moments gain a little clarity for the situation and for your relationship with your spouse. So let me tell a story again to clarify this. This one was when we were more newly married, a younger couple. And I don't even remember what the argument or fight or whatever it was that we had, but me and my husband hadn't agreed about something. We were upset. We got in an argument and then went our separate ways. And I was just feeling so steamy and upset. And I am very much the more stubborn one in our relationship. I sometimes hold on to the things when I need to let them go. He's really good at always apologizing and being the first many times to initiate that. And I'm grateful for his example in that. But I was just feeling there angry and upset, and I didn't want to feel angry and upset, even though I still thought I was right or I didn't agree with his way. I just remember thinking, I don't like feeling this way about my spouse. And it was getting near to the evening, I was like, I don't want to finish the day feeling like this. And he happened to have a meeting that he had to go to that night. And so I really don't remember what prompted it, but I decided to go and grab one of his white shirts that I knew he would need to wear for the meeting. And I went and ironed it. Really simple act. I ironed his shirt. I don't usually iron his shirts. He irons his own shirts. And so that was an act of service for me. And I remember I hung it up, put it on a hanger, and hung it in our room, in the closet or next to it so he would see it and know it was there, ready for him when he needed to go to his meeting. And the reason I remember that story is because, of course, I remember my husband later saying, oh, I saw you ironing my shirt. And then I saw it hanging there in the closet, and I thought, oh, I'm sorry. So it was good for him. But for me, I remember that experience because as I sat there ironing his shirt, some of those angry feelings dissipated, and it helped to give me some clarity. And in that situation, it helped me to see that it was really silly, what we were arguing about, and that maybe this was a time I could let it go, or it also helped me see what I could communicate a little better so he would understand my feelings and my situation. And I've had service do that for me in many ways. It's impossible for me, I think, and for most anybody else to not feel kind, good feelings towards someone when you're serving them. It's just a natural chain reaction. And so this is why I think that sometimes when we're feeling a little stubborn, when we've had an argument, when there's tension there, we're upset and we're just not quite ready to actually go to them face to face and be like, I'm sorry, I was wrong, because you're not feeling that. Do a little act of service many times that will help get you where you need to be so that you can have clarity on the situation and so that you are then ready to actually go back and communicate and figure things out. And again, I'm not saying that just do service that fixes everything. You're still going to need to learn how to communicate. You're going to need to learn how to work through things that you both see differently on. But performing service can put us in the right mindset, in the right frame of mind, in the right place to be able to have those discussions and to move away from the anger that we're trying to hold on to. So that's my second tip. When there's some tension in your relationship and you've had an argument, when you're feeling angry or upset and you're having a hard time coming down from those feelings so that you can communicate better with your spouse, do a small act of service for them. And again, it can be very simple. It doesn't have to be big. So my third and final tip is to find opportunities to serve together. And again, service brings all these great, wonderful feelings. You just feel so connected to others, either when you are serving them or you're serving with them, it's impossible for it to not happen. It brings all these good feelings. So what better way to use those good feelings that service gives us than to use them to strengthen our relationship with the person that means the most to us? And I just think it's so fulfilling and it can be such a great experience to serve with your spouse so you can do this more formally, plan a date night together and actually go somewhere and serve with some organization we've mentioned. Just serve on this podcast a lot. That is a great resource you can use. I'll leave a link to it in the show notes. Go on there and find a place, organization or function or event and make a date out of it. That can be your date. Sign up for it. Plan to go. Go together and serve together can be great. Or you can think of organizations in your area that are serving and fulfilling needs that mean a lot to you as a couple and reach out to them and say, hey, as a couple, we would love to come and serve your organization. What can we do? And again, use it as time that you can spend together serving. And that can be powerful, too, because you are both working towards something that is important to you, that means something to you, and you can feel like you're making a small difference in it together. And again, that can bring such powerful good feelings and affirmations to a relationship. But you don't just have to do it formally. You can also do this kind of more in informal ways. So one way me and my husband love to serve together is we're kind of old souls. We always have been. And we make friends really easily with people that could be our mothers and fathers or even when we were first married, our grandmothers and grandfathers. So we love to go visit elderly couples in our neighborhood and in our area, and we love to sit and chat with them and talk with them. And many times those visits have been unscheduled, but they've been so good for me and my husband to serve in that way together. And also many times we get great advice and great points of view from those couples that are a little further along life's path. So I love that one. Another one we've done recently, this past year is we've had opportunities to make dinners for families in our area quite a bit that were struggling or needed help in some way or another. And so we've been doing it together. And we just sit in the kitchen and make those dinners together and sometimes deliver them together. And it's super simple, but it's a great boost to our relationship to be serving and helping in that way. So that's my third idea. Find opportunities to serve together, whether informal or informal ways. Those are my three ideas. And again, do not make them complicated. You can keep them super simple. These can be ways that you just integrate into your everyday life, into the things you're already doing. But they're all ways that I truly believe you can use service to improve your relationship with your spouse. So the first is to use the five love languages by Gary Chapman. Find out what your spouse's love language is and come up with simple ideas that you can serve them with their love language. Number two is to consider using small acts of service when there is tension, you're feeling angry or upset. To do a small act of service for your spouse to get yourself in the right frame of mind of wanting to again communicate and relate with them. And number three is to find opportunities to serve together. Use all those great experiences and feelings and all those things that come from serving. Use them to be a boost to your relationship as well. Those are my three ideas. I would love to hear any feedback. If anyone tries one of those and it is successful or you find it being a boost to your relationship with your spouse or significant other, feel free to give me some feedback. And again, show the podcast some love by leaving us a review or sharing this episode with a friend. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you next time.