86. Phrases You Can Use When You Want to Help Someone

I think many of us have found ourselves in a moment where we felt like we wanted to offer our service, or help, or assistance to someone…but we weren’t quite sure what to say or do. This is a topic I have pondered and studied for the last 7-8 years. I’ve even kept pages in notebooks where I’ve written down phrases and questions I have heard others use when they were trying to offer service or help to someone. So this episode is my attempt to share a small piece of that wisdom and advice. These questions and phrases I share have helped me to reach out to others, and I hope they can help you as well.

I do emphasize in the beginning of the episode, offering assistance and help to people is a skill! And just like many other skills you have to practice to get better at it. So my ultimate advice is to not worry too much about what to say when you see a situation where someone could use your help, just step in and do it! Give it a try. Don’t let fear and apprehension keep you from giving the service that is so uniquely yours to give.

Links mentioned in the episode:

Episode 66: Using Service to Cope With Grief with Camber Hess

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Transcript

Melissa: Have you ever been in a situation, either with a stranger or someone you know, and you've wanted to offer your help and assistance, but you weren't quite sure what to say or what to do or how to approach it?

Well, after you listen to this episode, I am hoping that I can remove some of that fear and apprehension and give you a few tools so that the next time you find yourself in that situation, you'll be ready to jump in and offer your help.

This is episode 86 phrases and questions you can use when you want to help someone welcome to the Do Something More podcast. The show all about service where we highlight the helpers who inspire us all to do something more.

If you're passionate about nonprofits or looking for simple ways to volunteer and give back to the causes that matter to you, this is the podcast for you. I'm your host, Melissa Draper.

Stick around and I'll show you all the many ways anyone can truly make a difference in our world today.

Welcome to this episode of the podcast where I am going to be sharing with you some phrases or questions that you can use when you find yourself in a situation where you really want to help someone.

But sometimes when those situations pop up, either with strangers or with people we know, we don't always know what to do. We don't always know what to say. And this is actually a topic that I have personally been researching and living and really focusing on in my own life for, I would say, the past seven to eight years.

This is something I really pondered about. And so I'm hoping that some of the things that I share here today and some of the experiences I've had, some of the things that I've learned, can be helpful for you.

But before I start sharing some of these questions and phrases, I do want to just leave two things with you. The first is please don't ever let the fear of offending someone or not saying or doing it just right keep you from helping.

Especially when you know you can really be of help and of service.

And I just, I think in our world today, sometimes we've swung that pendulum a little too far one way. And we hear articles or things like the 10 things you should never say to fill in the blank or the five things you shouldn't ever do for someone experiencing fill in the blank.

And while those articles and things can be helpful, and they have been helpful for me, I've appreciated some of them. I think sometimes because we see so many of them and because there's so much of that floating around and Information that we can read that sometimes that, as I said, that pendulum gets swung a little too far and we're kind of find ourselves in a situation where we're like, I don't want to say or do anything because I'm going to do it wrong or I'm going to offend someone, or I'm going to make it worse.

And my conviction is I agree that there might be some that don't agree with me on this, but my personal conviction is I would rather cause offense, annoy someone, maybe even make a mistake.

I would rather do that than have a situation where I truly could have been of help, where I could have been of service, where someone did really need me, pass me by.

And again, some might disagree with me on that. But as someone who's a bit of a perfectionist and has also struggled with anxiety, that is what I have had to tell myself.

And so I want to just say, don't worry too much. Just do it.

Rendering service to others, reaching out and offering help is a skill, just like learning how to play the piano or learning a new language or riding your bike. It's something that you just have to do over and over and over again to get better at it and to not offend people and to not make mistakes.

You just have to go and do. And so that's my conviction. I hope you can use some of these questions I have to share, but I also hope you don't get it in your head that you have to do it just a certain way.

Just go do it. Go offer your help, go offer your service, and you'll get better at it, and you'll be able to find those experiences where people really did need you, what you had to offer.

And the second point I want to make is I really value and respect autonomy. That's really important to me in myself and in those I interact with, really believing that everyone has the ability to make the decisions that are best for them.

Sometimes they do need extra support or love from us or encouragement. But I really do believe that I value autonomy. And so, as I said, many of these phrases are versed in questions because I never just assume and jump in for someone.

And again, someone might disagree with me on that. If that's more your style, that's okay. But I just want to preface that, that a lot of my things that I offer here on the episode today, a lot of these, they're formed as questions, and they're formed with valuing someone else's autonomy and giving the chance to let them respond to you with what they need or giving them the chance to respond if they want to accept your help.

Not everybody wants to accept it, even when they really need it, and that's okay. But we can still take those opportunities to offer help in those situations around us that we view.

So I kind of split these up into various situations. And so the first I'm going to cover is with strangers, when you're out in public and you see someone that for whatever reason you think could use your help or your assistance.

And I have done this many times with strangers I've seen. I've been the recipient of it myself and been grateful in different situations for people that offered their help.

And this first question I actually heard in a news article, I read it in a news article years ago, and it was a situation where a mother that had a adult daughter with mental and physical disabilities and was trying to help her in a handicap stall in a restroom and things weren't going great and she needed help and she was feeling desperate and a woman came up to her and said this phrase.

She said, honey, it looks like you could use a friend right now. How can I help?

That question has stuck with me for years and I have used it. You look like you can use a friend right now. How can I help?

And again, it gives the person the chance to respond and it offers no judgment. Right. We've all been in those situations where we could use a friend. Another one I've used with strangers, especially when you see someone who's really emotional.

This has happened to me more than once where I've seen a woman especially super emotional. And it's just, you can tell something is going on. And I've approached and said, is everything okay?

Would you like some help? Or is everything okay? Is there something I can do for you? And again, you're leaving that on them to whether they want to accept that assistance or not, but you're also not just passing them by.

So those are two questions that I really love to use in situations with strangers. When you see something and you can't just walk by, you feel like you need to reach out and help.

It looks like you could use a friend right now. How can I help? And is everything okay? Would you like some help? And on this I also want to add, and I think especially because I'm a mom and I've been in those situations when I was a younger mom and I've approached.

In situations that when you're approaching a situation with children, it is usually best to approach the parent first. So don't ever just jump in with kids and assume it can be helpful because sometimes that can cause a lot more stress to those young parents.

Approach the parent first. Approach the parent with your question and your desire to offer assistance. I just wanted to throw that bit of advice in there.

Okay, second situation, now that we've covered strangers, when you've wanted to reach out to someone, you know, who keeps coming to your mind. Have you ever had those experiences where it can be a neighborhood, can be a family member, can be someone you haven't maybe even seen in a while, and they just keep coming to mind and you think, man, why do they keep coming to mind?

Or maybe they could use my help or I just want to tell them hello. So in those situations, I have said things like, hey, you have been on my mind the last couple of weeks.

How are you doing? Or hey, you have been on my mind. I just wanted to say hello. And then I will recount some memory or thing I admire about them or something I've seen recently that reminded me of them.

And so those are situations if someone's been recurring in my thoughts. I don't just usually let that pass me by. I act on it. And sometimes I've gotten a huge response, been able to offer help and assistance.

Sometimes it's just, oh, that's so sweet. I love this. Thank you for sending this text. And that's all it was. So I wanted to share that, though. That's a good one to remember.

Okay, this next set of questions I want to share, probably need to preface it by saying, no, I am not a therapist, but these are questions you can ask when you're sitting with someone who's in a hard situation and you want to support them or offer emotional support or encouragement, or just be there with them.

And I need to preface this by saying that these questions are ones that I've had from my experiences. I have in the last about eight years now, been serving with my church's women's organization.

It's called Relief Society.

And through that organization, I've been given lots of opportunities to reach out and to help. And at times, I know that feeling when you want to much offer support and help to someone and you don't know what to say and you don't know what to do.

But I've learned for myself that many times someone that is going through a hard situation, many times they just need someone to sit with them and to listen and to offer encouragement and love and to just be you.

So I want to say, if you find yourself in that situation, who you are is what that person needs and you can love on them and be yourself. But these are some questions that over the years I've heard others share.

And I have a little notebook that I have kept even where I've written some of these things down. When I hear stories told or situations or experiences that other women have shared that I sometimes feel have so much more wisdom and experience than I do.

And I just, I really value how they share things. And so I'm going to go through these are a few questions when you're sitting with someone, and this can be with your own kids as well.

This can be with teenagers or others when you want to just sit and listen and allow someone to be supported. So here are those questions. When you're wanting to support someone in a hard situation, that must be overwhelming for you.

Do you want to talk about it?

What has this been like for you?

What do you need right now?

What is helping you get through this?

Those are just a few. Sure, you could find more out there with a Google search, but those are ones that have been helpful for me. And I want to go back to that first one I shared where I said, do you want to talk about it?

Sometimes people don't want to talk about their hard stuff stuff. They want to talk about something else. And that is what you can offer them. So that's another one. You can say, hey, do you want to talk about it?

Or would you rather chat about something else and let them decide where they're at in that moment? And I've experienced that for myself. I have had times where I didn't want to talk about it.

And I was so grateful for the friend or the sister or my husband on occasion who was willing to just sit and talk with me about other things and bring a little normalcy back to my life, or help me center myself and see other things that I could sit and talk and chat about.

And I think that's true for most human beings. So just another little thought on that. When you're talking with people who are going through hard times or situations, and this last category I wanted to share is people that are walking through grief or, or other tough times, phrases and questions are things you can do to approach those situations.

And again, these are just a few ideas. This is not meant to be all encompassing with my advice. But people that are going through grief or carrying some of those other heavy loads, sometimes if we just approach them with that, what can I do to help?

Or what do you need? Even that question can be too much because they're just caring so much. There's a lot on their mind, and sometimes they just don't even know.

They're just trying to navigate and step through one day at a time.

So here are a couple of things that I have done. For one example, to you yourself, think of a specific thing that you can do or want to do or you think would be helpful.

But again, for me, that autonomy is still so important.

But you attach some control to that with them. And that one's important to me too, because someone that's going through a hard time or walking through grief, they've just. The rug has been pulled from under them.

They feel that real sense and loss of control. And so for me, it's so important to still let someone feel that sense of control in their life in some way instead of just coming in.

Now, I know everyone's not going to agree with me on that. I know some people have felt inspired and have shared beautiful stories of how their neighbors just came in and cleaned their house.

Or I even had a friend one time who shared with me a story where her friends just came in and took her laundry and carried it out. This was years ago.

And she was telling me the story and saying, melissa, isn't that beautiful? And in my mind I was like, I okay, maybe I that would be horrifying to me. I that would not be helpful.

But to her it was. So sometimes those things are very helpful. But again, I value and respect autonomy. So my suggestions might be a little different.

But there might be situations where you feel that you need to just step in and do it, and that's okay, too. So here are my suggestions, though. To honor that autonomy, but also help someone who really isn't in a place to make a lot of decisions, and they need some of that done for them.

So decide something first that you would like to do. Maybe it's bring them dinner, maybe it's mow their lawn.

Maybe it's come over and watch their children. I don't know. Whatever it might be, one that I do a lot is to bring people dinner, because I certainly don't mind cooking.

And for me, that's been so helpful in situations for me. So I would say something like this. I would like to bring you dinner. I would like to bring dinner to your family.

When is a good day and time for you?

So I don't say, would you like me to bring you dinner? I just already put it there. I would like to bring you dinner. Make that decision for them, but still respect their autonomy by saying when is a good day and time for you?

And that that question has really been helpful for me and been a great way for me to provide service, our family to provide service as well. Another great thing is what I like to call the would you rather service edition.

That is what I have personally named it.

And again, if you are in a relationship or situation, you want to just jump in and help someone, that's fine. But I really like this one. This Would you rather.

So if you've ever played the would you rather Game, it's like would you rather be a bee or a bird? The kids will decide what they want to be and give their answers why.

And it can be funny. It's just a fun, simple game.

But I feel like you can do it with service.

So again, you can say, I would really like to help you and your family right now. Would you rather we come and mow your lawn or would it be more helpful for us to pull the weeds in your garden?

Would you rather that I take your kids for an hour or two to the park so you can have some time to yourself?

Or would it be more helpful for me to come and watch them and help them with some things in your home? I know that you might be struggling with getting some of the things done you need to do.

Would you rather I run some errands for you? I'd be happy to go and run some around town.

Or would you like me to come and sit with your children so that you can run those errands? Or sometimes if you have the kind of relationship where you can do this and maybe you're coming to someone's home, you can just say I can come to your home for an hour or two on Thursday.

Would you rather I help you get through all your laundry or help you clean up and get on top of your kitchen? And again, that'd be someone you have a close relationship with.

But those are just some examples. Do the would you rather Edition and I have talked to people on this podcast and in many other situations that have walked through that grief and I have heard them verify what I am sharing here many times that it's just so hard to make those decisions and it's so helpful when people step in.

And again, I think in those situations, if you have really felt inspired of a particular thing that you can do, then go ahead and do it. And I want to reference I had a podcast episode, I'll put it in the show notes that I did with my husband's cousin, my cousin Kamber Hess, where she talked about serving others who are walking through grief.

And she gave a lot of good advice on there. And so if you're wanting to learn more from her and that episode, that would be a great way to go too.

If you're wanting to support or serve someone who's walking through grief or another really hard situation.

So those are my questions and my different scenarios I went over. Questions you can use with strangers, ones you can use when someone keeps popping up in your mind and you want to send them a text or just acknowledge that you've been thinking of them.

Ones to support someone in hard times when you're sitting with them and just wanting to offer emotional support.

And ones that you can use when you want to help people who are walking through grief or other hard things.

So I hope some of those are helpful to you. And again, my list here is not all inclusive. I even have a lot more I could share. I didn't want this podcast to be too long and so I would love to if you have other questions that you want to share, that of situations when someone used it with you or when you were able to serve someone, please hop on our social media.

I always have links to those in the show notes and I would love you to share your questions or phrases that have been helpful for you. And again, I want to emphasize that I truly believe that each one of us have the ability to serve and to reach out and to touch people in our own unique way with our own gifts and talents and skills and experiences and background.

We all have beautiful, unique service that we can offer to the people around us, strangers, neighbors and family members.

And so I do want to emphasize, while I hope maybe these questions will help you jump in in situations that you've held yourself back at the same time, please again, do not let fear keep you from reaching out and helping someone who you can see can use your assistance.

Those are beautiful experiences. I've had the opportunity to experience the beauty of that on both sides as I have been served and had the opportunity to serve. And I just don't think it is ever a bad idea.

When we have a good thought, we should follow through on that and not suppress it. And as you do, you will get better at it because it is, I have found for myself, it's a skill, a skill you have to learn.

And so if you have a desire to help more or to jump in more when you see these situations or you feel the inspiration to help out, just keep doing it.

And I promise you will get better at it. It will feel more natural to you.

So thank you so much for listening to the podcast episode today. And if you found this particular episode inspiring or helpful for you, please I encourage you to share it with a friend or anyone that you think might also benefit.

And I also love to get followers or reviews wherever you listen to your podcasts or you can follow us on social media. And again, the links to those are always in the show notes.

And as always, I hope this week that you can find a way to do something more to help lift, inspire, or make a difference.